Still here, not improved much apart from discovering a duck pond & also met the grass cutting team a very nice group of rabbits. I have now given up on the primary objective and have settled on just being an observer and just cherry picking the info I require to do what I need to do. I must admit feeling a little frustrated and upset that I just cant absorb at the speed I could but I’m old and have slight cerebral damage so I finally have to admit I can’t do some stuff. I also didn’t resort to bingeing on crap supermarket chocolate, not because I didn’t want to but the only checkouts were automated and I steadfastly refuse to use them. One more day of this thankfully. I have at least learnt my limitations and will listen to myself more often!
Almost a year has passed and once again awake in an alien environment, pondering why the norm has become abnormal. In the space of an hour I have marvelled at 2 “barmen” having to consult an online recipe to make a gin & tonic, a discussion about comedy that included several TV anecdotes that in my opinion constitute the least funny things ever (although this is TV they were talking about)and a menu that includes Vegetarian fish & chips why would you want veggie fish? Now laid awake and have been for some time looking at photos of people I knew a long time ago many of whom are no longer here. Funny really just makes me want to stop and just do what I want with what is left in me. Also spent a day in a room wrestling with technology that I will never have to use in an effort to fix stuff that is out of date, this is progress, this is the digital age and do you know what its total bollocks. People that need a digital recipe to pour a measure of gin into a glass of ice put a slice of lime in and top up with tonic, and probably a digital recipe for a reconstituted bit of cardboard in a bun and a flower pot full of chips, the “modern” world has gone mad. One year on and things have changed I don’t think I need to say which way. “get you motor running”
I left school a long time ago in fact a very long time ago, it was a different time for sure full of the threat of being zapped in a nuclear spat between 2 ideologies that were never going to gel. My best subject at school was Physics and its been a pet area of interest to me and this also sparked my love of music which also involved electronics another area of fascination (note the avoidance of the word passion here), my Physics teacher was a huge influence on me both from a learning perspective and intellectually, he treated us as intelligent human beings and as he was someone who came to teaching from an industrial science background rather than as a career teacher we appreciated the interaction (well I did), the reason I mention this all these years later is because he tried to encourage me to aim for a career in Physics because had a natural aptitude for the subject, but being from a family with little funds and no one had the drive to mention higher education or even university this never happened. I don’t regret the way things turned out, but lately I have had time to reflect on what may have been the result if I had gone to university and what would I be involved in now given what I have achieved without it? I totally get the theories being published now and I probably would have at the time of leaving school, I think I would have loved to be involved in the debates and discussions that lead to these theories being proven and the ripples that project from them.
So what’s your idea of hell? A vision like dante’s? A burning flaming pit with the un-righteous being scooped up and flung screaming into its depths? Maybe you have your own image of Hade’s! I’m sitting in my idea of it at the moment, surrounded by the trappings of what makes me sink into despair, and make me stuff myself with cheap supermarket chocolate and very strong coffee (its like drugs and can make you just as sick) outside the constant drone of cars going by, next door a “pub” full of fatstock and loud foul mouths and food that was probably prepared and frozen in the Ukraine, but if I was to say this out loud I would be slapped down told to “get a grip” but do you know what I think I’m actually right, this environment is most definitely not me! Within walking distance is a temple to the consumer god stuffed full of everything that some people “want” but its not for me I am hating everything about being here, there is nothing that I can relate to, nothing I want to have any part of. Its miserable and as a result I am too! I really should just say to hell with it all, but there are people that are relying on me to make this work! I am no longer sure if I can…..
On the whole I like chickens’ not to eat but as nice creatures to be around, they appear a bit daft but when you live around them you find they have an intellect all of their own. I was watching a group of them outside my house on a scouting mission they regularly do this escape the confines of the house opposite and wander down the road which is quite a busy one with oblivious drivers happily ignoring speed limits, sometimes they even cross and check out my side, I don’t mind as I’ve said I quite like chicken’s.
I’m not so fond a lot of other things though, I’ve been a bit poorly of late not real disease style ill but in utter turmoil and finding a rationality in a life that doesn’t make sense, its a mindspace that is troubling to say the least. That’s why I’ve been trying to write these things down to read back when I’m awake, to try and make sense of it if you like, I’ve read back through the last ramblings’ and it just confirms a lot of the things I find most troubling personally, which makes little sense to anyone else but myself because I know how it all came about and why I prefer chickens to roads…
Breathe god damn you! Have you ever forgotten to breathe? Or eat? Or drink? I have been told its impossible to do all of these things, well its 2.27am and I am up wide awake I was awoken by an overwhelming panic which as far as I can tell was caused by lack of breathing! So there must be a hard wired survival instinct for that. I know I have been for days without eating, during long recording sessions or live multi day festivals the action of food ingestion was very low on the list of priorities to me, but I probably drank enough I can’t really remember to be honest! So as the expression goes “I must have been there”. So this must prove something, yes I am programmed to survive and take on board what is needed to keep going, good that’s sorted. Now can I go to sleep please? I would but I actually want to sit and start playing some guitar or something, but as I live with others who can happily sleep it would be antisocial to start rocking it out at this hour. I remember laying down drum tracks in the wee small hours years ago but that was in sound proofed studios in the welsh mountains or in the backwoods of Devon and everyone else was probably up too! I am actually missing those days a lot recently I am starting a new job shortly, I should be excited and to some extent I am, but it can only ever be an ordinary way of paying bills or just paying in general, money, thats another thing I don’t remember being concerned about like food and drink it must have featured in those days but its not a memory I have. But I do remember magic moments, rare and golden moments when the chemistry and the atmosphere combine and breathing just becomes something others do but I no longer am required to participate in!
Its another day, yesterday is gone, or has it? I drove a long way to a place I haven’t been to for probably 35 years, why? Well I was invited to an interview for a job that I liked the sound of and to some extent still do, that is depending on which persona you listen to. Bearing in mind I have already had a telephone interview and answered most of the technical questions correctly thus obviously triggering the need to see me face to face. Anyway this meant driving quite a long way on modern motorways which is not something I usually do, to a place I knew reasonably well, but not now it is unrecognisable in anyway all trace vanished. Then subjected to a security check-in and an initiative test to find a building that was well hidden by any standards, then an interview almost identical to the one on the phone. Only to be told there is a third interview in another part of the country and using a new technique from the good old usa. I am glad I didn’t apply for this, it was a head-hunt job, well I am holding on to my head thanks. So I already have another job offer I’ve resigned the one I have been doing for 13+ years and I’m a happy bunny? No actually, don’t get me wrong I’m glad to out of the old job, but the new one is probably not my ideal, but then what is? Is it a stop gap? Am I taking it in desperation? These questions I can’t begin to answer, but the burning thought that is keeping me awake is the way people are allowing themselves to be treated, my ethos is being tested to the limit by the way everything is thrown at you in the name of living. Its like ethos-Nic cleansing a way of homogenizing humans to fit the production line of commerce, not being one to conform to this way of life the whole days efforts have been deeply disturbing and without purpose. Most of all I hate wasting what time I have left. Do I want this? Will I want this? Do I see the future from this point onwards? No Actually….